We always seem to see things more clearly in the stillness of the night, don't we? I am sure you have had moments where you have felt this way, I know I have, many many times.
I wonder though, is it clarity or is it the fact that without external sensory input we are forced to look inwards, a bit like meditation or therapy? There is nothing to focus on but ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions and our experiences. Whatever form these may take for the individual. In fact, I find myself in front of my computer in an attempt to put mine down on 'paper' for once.
These are my thoughts, not always, but often and as for right now, tonight, these are how they came into my head as I lay in the dark, waiting or rather hoping for sleep to draw me quickly into the few hours of the day where my reality becomes a distant nightmare and my dreams a relief.
THE REASON:
Eight or nine months ago I was retrenched, this was not the first time I have been retrenched but I can only hope that I can pull myself together in time to ensure it is the last.
The retrenchment itself was very traumatic because although I was aware that it was imminent on some levels, I was in no way prepared for it when it happened, sounds a bit contradictory, but the reality was that company I worked for almost scripted it, like some badly written soap opera. I could see it happening, but I believed or at least told myself I was probably wrong. Who knew I'd be right. They closed two branches and cut back country wide. I wasn't angry about being retrenched, devastated is more like it.
Mine, and more importantly, my son's lives were ripped out from under our feet and we were left flailing with no life jackets in deep and murky water. As silly as it might sound. I've been in similar situations more times than I care to remember (not all retrenchment or even job related) and am fairly well equipped to deal with them, or more accurately, I am outwardly equipped to deal with them. I took the safest route I could see at the time.
Unfortunately, my decision meant that my son was taken 1000 kilometres plus across country, away from his home town, away from his best friends, away from the only place in the world he has ever been happy. I couldn't see my way around it. Left with no transport (company car returned) in a town where using the public transport system can only be likened to running the gauntlet with death and where that same system is so badly laid out, should you work in one of the many industrial areas, where it does not run, the only alternative are hideous mini bus taxis which are often not even roadworthy. Rent would have to paid, food bought and although I could have covered it for a few months, it would deplete the very money I would need to transport our possessions to the only secure home we might have, my mothers.
I weighed up the options as carefully as I could, given the tight time constraints. We were given fourteen days notice of our retrenchment a total of ten working days to either find other work or risk losing everything we had. No, there were no savings to see us through a rough period, I had used any I might have had and more covering my basic monthly essentials because my salary had been insufficient to cover these in the first place. I had sought alternate employment prior to this, but knowing that I would have to find or purchase my own transport made it impossible to do this with any sense of self assurance.
THE BACKGROUND:
Anyway, perhaps I am circling the greatest source of my disappointment, aside from the obvious, the people for whom I worked were not just any people, they were people I have known my entire adult life, twenty two years and counting.
When I started working for them, fully aware of the fact that you should never mix friendship with business or money, I gave them my usual work ethic: complete, loyalty and commitment, my 150%. I realised very early in this that my ability to separate personal from business was remarkable, I surprised even myself. Sadly however they could not. Here were two people almost old enough to be my parents and they were not emotionally mature enough to separate their business selves from their personal. As people will, they kept saying things like 'I'm so glad we can still be friends' or 'Just remember we are friends', that was as so many things are, a pitiful way of meaning quite the opposite of what is being said. People all to often disguise a confession as a reassurance in speaking to someone, the old 'Trust me' scenario. So be it.
I endured eighteen months of what I can only say was virtual constant belittling, insane irrational yelling and sadly misplaced criticism. All via email or telephone as I was alone at their branch in Cape Town with my technicians for a large part of the eighteen months. Why would I put up with it? Well, because I needed the work and I needed my son to be where he was happiest, if he was happy, I was happy and I was. To be honest their silliness didn't really make me feel bad, I mean in the moment I may have felt bad, but as soon as my fight or flight response was suppressed, I didn't worry about it a great deal, it worries me more now.
I comfort myself in the fact that when you are being screamed at and criticised or spoken to as if you are a piece of shit in the name of business management (poor business management in this instance) and you can refrain from resorting to the same tactics then you are better for it because in my opinion, no self respecting or halfway decent human being ever has the right or the reason to speak to another like that and if you do, then that very criticism and irrationality and piece of shit thinking is more likely to be a reflection of the person who is issuing it than anyone on the receiving end. And no, I am no saint, I am also human so I have probably behaved similarly at times, but I like to think that I am at least aware, some people sadly are not. I soon realised that friendship was a thing of the past, but I tried to maintain it, because I do believe that friendship, like love, should be as near to unconditional as possible or it has no place in your heart.
THE RESULT:
The sad facts of the situation are that subsequent to this retrenchment, I am living in a town so small that even the snails have little to do. Work is beyond scarce and the current global economic problems do nothing to aid this.
My son, although he never really complains, hates it here, he is miserable, he is sad, he is bored, his education had to be put on hold and is in jeopardy; he is almost a full year behind his friends. His tennis, which he loves, he cannot play because the idiots at the only tennis club are antiquated old farts who do nothing but criticise anyone who is not as wrinkly or as mentally incapacitated as they are, he can't take his beloved tennis lessons any longer as my finances have dwindled to nothing.
I do make a little bit of money here and there doing on-line IT work for people but this money is put towards food and internet access which is the source of the income. The few jobs I have applied for I've been told I'm hopelessly overqualified to do.... what ever the fux that is supposed to mean! One potential employer actually asked me what possible difference 2K would make in my life which b.t.w. is a pathetic salary, but money vs no money – child to feed, clothe and educate...!! You do the maths!
That was their way of saying, “No, you are plainly more privileged than the people I wish to employ for this post and the truth is, I could pay the person in this post 5x the amount I'm prepared to, but I'm taking advantage of the poor and the under privileged and if I employ you, I may have to change that, which will ultimately mean I might not be able to afford the newest ridiculously expensive car I like to purchase every year!” OK, perhaps not those exact words, but pretty damned close I am sure!
Why can't people just say what they mean and mean what they say, honesty can be such a refreshing change from the usual drivel you hear, and you know what they say about change being as good as a holiday.... more savings!!! YAY!..... Yeah, I know, dream on..... So, here I am.
THE SOLUTION:
I lie in bed at night and these thoughts and memories thrash my conscience. I know exactly what I need to do to try and earn money, but TRY is the operative word, I have no guarantee it will work and overcoming that fear is my greatest challenge. I don't need to be told what to do, I know what to do..... but I am completely unable to get myself to do it.
I know this is all some psycho babble overshot of the depressive state I found myself in for months after being retrenched, I know that I have not been able to break the cycle of mental anguish it caused, I know I need to break it and I also know that the only way I know how to do that is to work. Only this time, NOT for someone else. This time I not only want to work on my own terms and for myself. I NEED TO. I just can't mobilise myself to do it! I start, then stop, then start …..
THE FAMILY:
My beautiful son is sleeping in the room next to mine, I think about the hours I spent working late into the night and missed spending time with him, the activities I could not attend for him, the activities he sacrificed for that reason too.
My mother, without whom we would be on the street, sleeping across the passage in her room, not yet in remission but a survivor of breast cancer, a survivor period. A woman with whom I do not have the best relationship and whose very presence puts strain on my son and I, but regardless of that, she maintains her dignity and earns my complete respect and that is not something to be sniffed at. She is due to have cataracts removed this week and because of the financial situation, she will have to endure this operation alone and in a town where she knows no one.
THE HISTORY:
I recall my sons first night in this world. The tiny little baby lying in the hospital crib next to my bed. I recall the life I had planned for us, the life I wanted to be able to provide for him, except for the fact that I never sacrificed his knowing how much I love him, virtually nothing else has been as I envisioned it.
My life flashes in my thoughts.
I don't think we all realise how early in life we have the presets for our adulthood.
I think I made a wrong turn as early as three years old, it was a significant year in my life. It started with my fathers untimely death and I can't speak for my family; but for myself, I never spoke to anyone outside of the immediate family for six months. The nursery school I attended and had been sent to within weeks of my fathers death even suggested removing me.
I remember this time clearly, my mother taking me to school and walking in with me, I would make straight for a small grassy embankment at the edge of the playground that overlooked a forested area beyond the grounds. She would sit next to me for a short while before leaving, saying “Andy, I'm going now. Are you all right?” and I clearly remember saying, “Yes mummy. I'm fine”. I was assuring her that I was well when I was not. I remember that I said this to her because if I protected her from my true feelings, she would not be upset, at least that is what my three year old self thought.
That was how I spent the days of my first six months outside home, keeping myself to myself, not interacting with anyone, least of all my peers, I would watch and listen and refrain from becoming involved, I internalised my feelings and dealt with them in my own way. When I had sorted them out for myself and I felt brave and bold enough to interact, I did, but I had to deal with my pain in my own, very private way.
I am almost certain that was, where I went wrong. I've become so skilled at protecting the people I love, and possibly even those I don't, from myself that I hid myself in the process. My life seems to have been one disaster after another since then and it is late at night that it bothers me the most. It is late at night that these things seem so much bigger than they really are. I got out of bed to write because I know as soon as day breaks, I will see it all quite differently.
Some good came of it though, I realise now that I still deal with my pain and anguish the same way I did at the age of three. I withdraw completely until I feel able to cope or move on, I somehow go into a full mental shut down in order to recharge.... I still respond to crowds or people I don't know in the same way too, only now I try to keep the observation period to a maximum of thirty minutes or so, depending on the number of people or the situation. I think that is called tact or basic social skills ..... ;-)
How much of a disappointment I must be to my mother and to my son, but I'll stop there, because I know that is self pity and that is a road I dare not walk down.
BACK TO THE PRESENT:
It was then that I cried as I sometimes do. I cried out of anger, frustration and pain. I cried because I have been unable to do what I know I can, but self pity is a terrible thing, so I dried my eyes tonight, got out of bed, made myself a steaming mug of tea, switched on my computer and sat down to type, because I know this much, by writing I can begin to purge my self pity, even if it is only for a short while, if I do it again and again then it should eventually fade into the distance and at least by writing I am doing something which has to be far better than doing nothing.....
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